I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
