mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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