yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Randomize
