so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish life had little blips of pornography
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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