she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
