I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
