You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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