My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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