it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
