I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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