just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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