how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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