The maid of honor just puked.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
handjob tips. give me some.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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