Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
