Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
