I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
