what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
