When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You need Xanax blowdarts
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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