my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
