apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
