Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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