Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
