dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
