I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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