so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
