Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
