She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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