I'm lost and stupid without you.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
