I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
