I cannot find my penis.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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