I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
