I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
