I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
