Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
