People in love make me want to vomit
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
