Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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