who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
