he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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