I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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