yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
