I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
