that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
