the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
