i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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