11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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