she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
