peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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