Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
