I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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