I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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