I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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