i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
