just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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