look no pants
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
