i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
