he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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