I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Bring me that man meat
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
